Princesses don't give blow jobs
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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