don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
