Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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