Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
