I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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