FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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