boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
