I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
