Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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