I want to stick my p in your. b.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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