you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
