She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
