My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
