I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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