I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
