my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
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do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
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Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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