true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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