do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
