just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
