Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
