its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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