we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
