Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
