How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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