life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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