Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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