I cannot find my penis.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
