While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
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Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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