I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
