Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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