Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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