So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
