genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
