Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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