I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
