did you get engaged???
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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