margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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