Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
