I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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