I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he was CRYING into my vagina
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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