took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
