my vag is so smooth its legendary
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
