i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
