I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
