I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
