I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
