I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
