You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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