So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
