I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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