ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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