just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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