I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
